another breakdown... by the devil.

I cried voluminously. Again.

***

Honestly, the moment I rose from this whirlpool of depression and delusional thoughts of mine; the moment after I get motivated by Alpha Course... Satan just adores me so much he dragged me (YET AGAIN) to another mental/emotional breakdown. Bloody brilliant. Oh, it gets better - Someone just had to pushed me so I released my inner demon and slashed my sister by cursing at her with tears rolling down my cheeks, of course.

Between my siblings and I, I think I could be considered as the Biggest Failure among the three of us. Its completely obvious. I'm 16, and I didn't managed to go to States. My team lost at Zone levels, and I got a lousy "Districts Runner Up " title under my sleeve. I hated losing. Okay, Halle Berry did encouraged me by stating that "If you can't handle criticism, you don't deserve the praise; If you can't be a good loser, you can't be a good winner." Yes, Irespect that quote of yours, Halle. However, I am not that kind of person that could simply accept and embrace it. You cant judge me for being a pessimist from this - We have the right whether to accept it or reject a statement entirely.

tbh, I have no idea what happened to me. Did debate really meant a lot to me? Perhaps so. I mean, throughout the years, I kept attaching myself too much on Debate that I actually Loved Debate as I like a person. Weird , I know. But hey : Everyone has their peculiar times.

Just when I cried to my sister about it of quitting debate, telling this decision to my friends and teacher... They just said, "Prove your seniors wrong", "You guys can do this", and other Positive sayings. Still, they Have to say that so they can shut me up for good.

That's the problem, though. I still can't stop thinking about it. I love debate but I hated to feel such depressing things . losing. Biasness from adjudicators. Losing because of that... I hate it. I guess it's best to just prioritize on Academic Qualifications then, right?

I pray to God for helping me to decide what to do : Passion over Pride? Or vice versa?

***

I am so afraid to fail.
But I cannot share my sadness without crying out loud.
I cannot share my contemplations with my family because they would think that I suck as aspeaker because one of them is going to Nationals soon.
I cannot even share these negative thought to my Own team because most of them are already going to other competitions and are currently going to States.
I am alone yet I cannot run into my sanctuary and seek guidance from anyone.
There is nothing left for me to do...
Except to cry until my heart is tired from the hurt.
And it repeats.

***

Circle of Life.